Top 8 reasons NOT to learn Swedish while living in Sweden
1. Time management:
The Swedish language contains three extra vowels- å, ä, ö.
Although audible to Swedish ears, they tend to blend into one indistinguishable guttural sound for the non-Swedes.This makes understanding street names over the phone impossible while getting directions and requires one to use google maps or as they say in Sweden “ always being lost.”
Swedes love to impress you with their English language skills negating you the opportunity to sharpen your Swedish skills.
Paradoxically, they will eventually wonder why you do not speak Swedish.
This holiday tradition includes the consumption of toxic tasting alcohol, drunken folk dancing, black out situations, engaging in and or witnessing bestiality, pillaging and or setting of fire to your neighbor’s homes, wrestling and short term BFF drunken bonding etc.
“ I’m hungry on ice cream.”
“I will learn you!”
5. Time out!:
“Sorry, I don’t understand Swedish.”
This incantation offers a pause, stopping the charging Swede, allowing them to return to their calm, rational and Vulcan-like state.
It also gives opportunity to educate or learn a barbarian or Romualan some Swedish.
6. Swedish TV:
By understanding Swedish you forfeit your airtight excuse to pass on invitations to Melody Festival cozy nights. During this cultural phenomenon participants spend endless consecutive Saturdays rooting for their favorite contestant while eating Lördag godis (Saturday candy in English) and snacks.
The winning finalist goes on to represent Sweden in Eurovision Song Contest.
The viewers live with the fact they will never get those hours back and may re-experience them when their life passes before them at the moment of their death.
A win/win for the non-Swede as you are not required sing nor are you expected to drink the toxic concoction known as aquavit, a liquor tasting like old socks, mud and sewer water.
8. More time for personal development:
The ever-fugal Swedes collect free banana boxes from the market instead of purchasing moving boxes then enlist their friends and commandeer their vehicles for endless weekends of low budget moving.